My Joy

Journal entry from April 23rd, 2021

Where does my joy come from?

I’ve been sick in bed these past few days in Capiíbary and it’s definitely not how I wanted to spend the week but I’m thankfully getting better everyday!! 2 days ago was definitely the lowest point of it all and I have been pretty much alone the whole time but something I’ve been asking myself through this is, do I still have joy through this? And because Jesus really is where my joy comes from, my answer is yes. And sure, it might have seemed like I’ve been pretty isolated this week, but He’s never once left me and His presence has become my anchor now more than ever. And what a gift it is to just be still + wait on the Lord! I’ve experienced so much joy this past week by simply welcoming Him into my room, talking to Him for hours, listening to a million worship songs, and letting Him speak to me + strengthen me with His Word and presence and I’m so blessed by this past week.

So I’m learning that no matter what surrounds me, there’s always a reason to be joyful+thankful. He’s too good to not be praised, even in my lowest moments. And honestly, this week has been the best week of being sick I’ve ever had because I didn’t get so caught up in myself and instead I found myself constantly being caught up in Him.

So thank You Jesus for helping me shift my focus from looking at myself to looking at You instead!! Because the more I seek You, the more I find You, and the more I find You, the more joy I find from just being with You. And it’s made even clearer in my weakness just how much I not only want You, but also how much I need You because You really are my rock + my anchor + my joy every single day.

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior • Habakkuk 3:17-18

Holy Spirit

Journal entry from April 9th, 2021

I’m so ridiculously thankful for this time of my life. The fact that my team and I are some of the first from YWAM to ever go to Capiíbary is incredible and it’s an honor to be a pioneer here!!

We had our first day of ministry today and it was so cool going from door to door in the neighborhoods here. The kind of ministry we’ll mostly be doing is going from family to family, not rushing to go to so many houses but instead getting to know the people and talk to them about God over tereré (every Paraguayan just carries around this tea and shares it with anyone who wants to talk + drink and I loveee that they do that!!). It doesn’t really feel like ministry but it feels more like you’re making a bunch of friends which is so cool and so Jesus.

And the last person we met today was Slyv, a father of 5, and he welcomed me and 3 of my teammates in to talk over tereré with him. And I just knew that the Holy Spirit was gonna do something in this house. I could see it in his eyes and his smile. He was so hungry and he told us he saw us praying for the family across the street and was waiting for us to come to his house. He was really curious and he said he wanted us to teach him something new if we thought we could. So here’s how the conversation I had with him went:

I asked Slyv, “Do you know God?”

And he answered, “Sure, I go to church sometimes and God is just another religion and God you pray to, but Christianity is good!”

Then I knew I had to ask him, “Do you know the Holy Spirit?”

And he looked really confused and said, “Spirit that’s holy, hmm no?”

And I got really excited at this point because I could see that he was wanting to know about the Holy Spirit and so I told him, “The difference between being a Christian and any other religion is that God isn’t just a God in the sky you pray to and knowing Him isn’t a religion at all. God sent His son Jesus to this world for you + me and He lived, died, and rose again and left us the Holy Spirit who is alive. And He wants to walk with you and have a relationship with you if you just invite Him into your heart. He’s known you since before you were born, and He wants you to know Him and have His Spirit living inside of you.”

And I could see the Holy Spirit touching Slyv at this point and he responded saying, “I’ve never heard anything like this before. I see now why your God is different.”

And I could see chains of religion breaking off of this man’s life as he learned what being a Christian really meant.

So then I asked Slyv, “Do you want to invite the Holy Spirit into your heart and do you want to give your life to Him?”

And without hesitation he answered, “Yes. I want that.”

And I got to lead him into a prayer to welcome the Holy Spirit into his life, saying Slyv belongs to Him and from this day on will live for God and will have a relationship with Him. And I got to witness seeing this man come alive for the first time as he was filled with the Holy Spirit and said yes to life with Him. There’s literally nothing like watching people say yes to what they were created for and I don’t think I’ll ever forget today.

So my one response after day one of ministry is, HOLY SPIRIT I LOVE YOU!!!! I love the way You move, how You always show up, and how You change people’s lives and make them come alive. You can’t be fully explained and You can’t ever be contained and You are the reason I’m breathing. I live to love You and for others to know You because they gotta know You and Your heart for them. I’m forever blessed by Your constant presence and I can’t wait for tomorrow and the day after that because You just keep on getting better.

You heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. And when you believed, you were marked in Him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are in God’s possession-to the praise of His glory. • Ephesians 1:13-14

Childlike

It’s been 3 days since my team and I arrived in Paraguay and I’m so so thankful to be here. The people are so kind, this country is so beautiful, and I can’t believe this is my home for the next two months! We leave the capitol Asunción today and are headed to a pretty remote part of the country, Capiíbary, and that’s where we’ll be for the rest of outreach! Prayers would be much appreciated for a crazy outpouring of His Spirit over this nation, for more peace + joy for my team as we head to Capiíbary, and just for the Holy Spirit to wreck our plans and to lead and move through us however He wants:)

On another note, I’ve definitely been learning a lot! From switching to the next phase of my DTS to also being fully immersed in a completely different culture, I’m realizing that there’s always going to be so much to learn. I’m only 21 but even when I’m 65, I can still learn if I’m humble enough to be taught. And the ones I’ve been learning from the most here lately have been the children(which is the best!!) so here’s a story I wanted to share with y’all:

Journal entry from April 4th, 2021

We were watching the Chosen tonight and one of the 11 year old girls here, Kay, was honestly the highlight of my day. Kay’s eyes literally lit up every time she saw Jesus on the screen and when He healed people she just said it so matter of factly, “Yep! That’s Jesus, He heals all the time.” And I realized on a deeper level why Jesus loves children so much. Because without faith, it’s impossible to please Him and children have complete unhindered faith and don’t have a doubt in their mind of His love for them and how good He is. They’re fully set on the truth and they can’t be convinced otherwise. And yet at the same time, they are so willing to learn more to build their foundation and are so in wonder of Him and all the new revelations they discover. So what I’m learning is to be so humble, so set on the truth of who I know He is, so teachable, and so in awe of Him as I become more and more childlike everyday.

So thank You Jesus for bringing me here to Paraguay. It’s wild that I’m actually here and I’m so blessed by Your kindness to me!! May I have unhindered faith like a child and always be so sure of who I know You are. Help me to always be humble, knowing that there’s always more to learn and that I can choose to go to a new level of wonder every single day if I just keep my eyes + ears + heart open to You.

Learn this well: Unless you dramatically change your way of thinking and become teachable, and learn about heaven’s kingdom realm with the wide-eyed wonder of a child, you will never be able to enter in. Whoever continually humbles himself to become like this gentle child is the greatest one in heaven’s kingdom realm • Matthew 18:3-4

Divine Appointments

Journal entry from March 28th, 2021

We have a 2 day layover in Miami, FL before heading to Paraguay and today my roomie Sophia + I went to a mall to evangelize. It’s kind of crazy because I feel like God has given me a new mindset wherever I go. Instead of wanting to get to the destination, I really wanna talk to my Uber drivers about their life and tell them about how good Jesus is. Instead of going to a mall to go to stores, I love looking at the crowds of people and seeing who I could talk to. And something I’m learning is that people aren’t targets or goals for me to conquer to feel good about my boldness. They’re people. All created by God for His glory, all created to be loved and if they don’t know Him, then they don’t know real love. And if I can leave every conversation with people and they feel loved, then I’ve represented Jesus well. Of course I want them all to give their life to Him but I can only follow what the Holy Spirit asks of me, tell them the truth of who He is and what He says, and let the Holy Spirit convict them. Because that’s not my job. My job is to love, not judge.

So today, I went up to this like 25 year old woman and I just encouraged her saying, “Hey, I just see that you carry so much joy and God wanted me to tell you that He delights in you so much!” And her eyes went so wide and she legit started crying right there in the mall and she was undone/in disbelief that God would say that about her. And she opened up to me about her growing up in the church and only knowing God in a religious way and I got to share with her the gospel of who Jesus is and the difference between religion and relationship with Him and she was so receptive to everything I was saying. And then I recommended that she should read the book of John because it’s all about Jesus’ life and the way He lived, died, and came back again for us and she wrote it down in her notes and we exchanged phone numbers so she could call/text anytime for prayers or questions about it. And then I got to pray for her and she had to leave at that point and we’ll see what happens but WOW. That was the first person I went up to at the mall and all I could think was this is so much easier than I thought it was gonna be. And I realized that’s because the enemy will do anything to shut my mouth and to put fear into my life that people will be so closed off to the gospel. But I refuse to let the enemy to stop divine appointments from happening in my life. No matter how he’ll come to try to steal my joy, distract me, or put doubt in my mind, I’m starting to realize that everything he says is a lie. And also, I’m simply not created to live a mediocre Christian life. The Holy Spirit calls me to live a supernatural life, fully yielded to Him and to be ok with rejection. Because even if I have to get rejected by 1,000 people before I find one that is desperate for You, I’ll do it. You stop for the one and so will I. It’s an honor to be rejected, to be obedient, and to simply view the world differently. It’s really broken, but it’s really beautiful. It’s so full of people who just want to know Your love and someone’s gotta tell them. And what a joy it is if that someone is me.

What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish • Matthew 18:12-14

Undignified

Journal entry from March 15th, 2021

Tonight at ministry night, we were worshiping and God kept showing me a picture of a tsunami. He told me it was a tsunami of His love and that He wanted me to know the full intensity of His presence. And then 5 minutes later, we had a team of dancers (literally looked like a glimpse of Heaven hehe) and they were teaching us this motion that literally looked like a wave crashing over us again and again. And for the first time in my life I was undone by dancing. Waves of His love kept crashing over me and I didn’t care what I looked like. I just wanted Him to come and speak however He wanted to. I’m happy to be undignified if it means He is glorified and honored. And than I remembered that when there’s tsunami watches, I have to go to higher ground to avoid it impacting me. Getting wrecked by Jesus is something the world would run away from because it’s messy and it doesn’t glorify man in any way. But my life isn’t about me, and He alone deserves the glory. He asks me to run straight toward Him, without a care in the world because He is my treasure. I’m called to go low, to be humble, to embrace the full impact of the tsunami of His presence and to not be so high and mighty in my dignity that I don’t honor His presence and I miss what He wants to do.

So Jesus, may I always be fully yielded to Your presence because You blow me away every time. And life with You isn’t meant to be the same thing over and over, it’s supposed to be wild. It’s supposed to wreck me. So come with Your full intensity God, because I’m running straight toward every tsunami You bring.

I will become even more undignified than this • 2 Samuel 6:22

Forgiveness

Journal entry from March 12th, 2021

Forgiveness. When I chose to follow Jesus, I chose to die to my flesh and choose His way of life. I chose to be forgiven and it doesn’t end there. I have to do the same. Bitterness has never been and never will be of the Lord and I cannot let it be a stronghold in my life. God cares about what I’ve been through but He cares more that I’m healed now and that it’s not affecting me anymore because I’ve let it go. And when I decided to follow Jesus I decided to limit myself two options: to either confront my brother/sister and forgive them, or to forget it and forgive them. In the end, I always have to forgive. I’ve been forgiven of much and am called to do the same for them. Who am I to judge?? Who am I to hold a grudge or keep a record of wrongs? Who am I to decide that someone is unworthy of mercy?

Even when I don’t agree and even when I’m hurt, I have to reconcile + forgive because that’s what You do for me. It’s not what the world says I should do, if someone did me wrong then I gotta get revenge. But I’m meant look at people through Your eyes. They’re imperfect, but they’re so worthy of forgiveness because of Your sacrifice. And if You can forgive me for being human, then I can 110% do the same for them.

So may I constantly be aware of the spirit of the Pharisee that’ll try to harden my heart and want me to hold on to self righteousness. Because life is so much lighter when bitterness doesn’t have a hold on me and when I choose to forgive the way You do.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.” • Matthew 18:21-22

Road Trip

Journal entry from March 22nd, 2021

Following Jesus means my life isn’t gonna be predictable. And thank God for that because that sounds so boring haha.

About a month ago, my team found out we couldn’t go to Brazil and my heart broke. We’d been contending and praying for that nation for weeks and I SO wanted to go to those people, I still do. It’s just not the right time and I’m learning to let Him wreck my plans once again and to go through the doors He’s opened, not the locked ones that I’m trying to open by myself. I’m learning to trust Him and Him alone because literally everything in life changes. All. The. Time. But I can always count on Him being faithful. I can always count on His goodness and that His plans are far better than what I thought they were gonna be.

So I’m so excited to say that my team is going to PARAGUAY (so excited ahhh!!!) and we leave 4 days from today!! A little soon, a little crazy, but that’s YWAM haha. Everything here changes all the time. I can’t expect anything to be the same as the day before and I used to be frustrated but now I’m learning to embrace what God is wanting to do with the day, even though it’s not what I’m used to.

And tonight at ministry night, He showed me a picture of Him driving me to our destination and I knew all the turns in the road because it was so familiar and I was sitting in the backseat and wasn’t even paying attention. But then all of a sudden, He started taking all of these crazy turns and I had no idea where we were going and I found myself jumping into the passenger seat next to Him and asking Him all these questions like, “Where are we going? Why this route? When will we get there?” And I was actually talking to Him. He was no longer my Uber driver that I had no relationship with, He was my Best Friend and we were listening to music and laughing and He loved all of my questions and it was like a road trip. And that’s what life with Him is. He will always have me on the edge of my seat, asking Him questions because when I’m always asking and am always in the unknown, I have to fully trust Him and cling to Him. And He wants me to be close and that’s the closest possible place I can be.

So thank You Jesus for always changing what I think my life is gonna look like. It’s far better to always be curious and never be bored because it’s a wild ride with You and I’m learning to love every unexpected turn.

Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. • Jeremiah 33:3

Burning

Journal entry from March 3rd, 2021

My ears started burning today. I listened to a 105 bpm realizing that every beat is a person dying without ever hearing the gospel. My ears are burning because I’ve heard the good news over and over yet some people don’t even have a Bible in their language. Who am I to think the prophesies over my life are more important than the prophesies of Jesus that have yet to happen from the Bible?! If I really love Him, then I will do anything for Him to come back. The Holy Spirit is with me, but Jesus isn’t. He won’t come back until every nation, tribe, and tongue know Him. I have to do everything I can to bring Him back. I have to be so desperate for my Bridegroom’s return that I’ll go where no one wants to, but where so many want and need Him. I get to be a part of a MUCH bigger story than I think. I could choose to be comfortable but dang I would regret it. And I refuse to waste my life on myself. I refuse to listen to a 105 bpm and not be moved by the injustice of so many never getting to know God. I refuse to forget how blessed I am to know His love. I refuse to stop praying dangerous prayers. When I say I’ll do anything for Him, I really mean it.

My ears are burning because I hear so many voices saying “Don’t do this. Others can go, but not you. You’re not called to do something this crazy. You’ll waste your life and be forgotten.” I hear all of those thoughts. And it’s true that others can go and I would love for more to go, but the truth is that they aren’t going. And I refuse to ignore His voice. I’ve looked into His eyes of fire and He’s set me ablaze for what burns in His heart. And He’s burning for His bride. He’s paid the highest price for every nation and I cannot ignore the desire of His heart. He’s way too worthy to say no. And I miss Him. I want Him to come back. I want my generation to see the rest of Revelation with our own eyes. That’s what I’m living for. My ears are burning and I just want to hear Him say “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” May I be forgotten and hated by the world and may I be fully known and loved by God. May I pour out my life at His feet like the woman with the alabaster jar knowing it’s a privilege to give my little life to a much bigger adventure.

So thanks for including me in Your story Jesus, because I hear You. And it is such an honor to be a burning one, to waste my life in the world’s eyes, and to get Your people ready for Your return.

Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting: “Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready.” • Revelation 19:6-7

Hunger

Hey everyone, welcome to my first blog post!!

I want to apologize that it’s taken me so long to update you guys. To be honest it’s been hard to balance staying in the moment here and also staying in touch with everyone back home and whenever I went to write about what’s been happening in my life, I didn’t feel like I could find the right words to describe all God has been doing. But I’m learning that Jesus desires obedience, not perfection and that my life is not my own. I’m not supposed to live this life full of revelations and crazy stories of His goodness and not share with you guys! That’s the opposite of what Jesus would do. He is the most selfless, always living out of obedience to His Father and teaching others how to follow Him and how to be like Him. So welcome to my raw, unfiltered walk with my Best Friend. I hope when you read these moments I share that you find every word to be full of His Spirit and Truth and that you just wanna pour out your life as an offering at His feet. Because He’s so worthy of all we could possibly give Him and life is so much better His way anyways.

Journal entry from February 27th, 2021

I love how there’s always more of Him. There’s literally always more, and I can have as much of Him as I want. Last night there was a night watch in the prayer room from 12-6 AM and what’s wild is that when I heard about it, my immediate response was YES. 6 months ago I would’ve been like “Oh nice, y’all are crazy but sure I’ll go for a little bit.” But now I literally can’t get enough of Him. I will take any and every spare moment I have to be with Him. And so there I was last night, one of those crazy Jesus freaks, and there was no where I’d rather be than running and dancing around the prayer room at 4:30 AM with 20 other insane people haha. And I’d never encountered His presence as quickly as I did that night. Literally 30 seconds in I was starting to cry because I could feel that He was just so excited for me and my friends to be there. He absolutely loved that I wanted to be with Him over anything else, when it was inconvenient for my flesh and made me lean on His strength. And then as the night went on, I could feel myself drifting and all He kept saying was “I’m teaching you how to be hungry. How much do you want Me? Do you still want to go hard after Me after 5 hours of worshiping and crying out? Am I that worthy of your pursuit?” And I remembered once again how captivating He is and kept going after Him. I refused to leave until I had the fullness of what He died for. Because He freely gives so much, and I just have to lay down everything to receive it. I just have to be hungry for more and I will never be disappointed by Him. He loves to find me hungry and to find me pursuing Him the way He pursues me. So here I am God, on a new level of hunger I didn’t know was possible and I’m saying yes. Yes to You waking me up in the middle of the night, yes to You completely consuming my every day, and yes to eating leftover cookies + cantaloupe because going to the cafeteria is time I could have with You. You really truly are all I want and I never want to stop being crazy in love with You.

Here’s the one thing I crave from God, the one thing I seek above all else; I want the privilege of living with Him every moment in His house, finding the sweet loveliness of His face, filled with awe, delighting in His glory and grace. I want to live my life so close to Him that He takes pleasure in my every prayer • Psalm 27:1-4